I read, I watch, I want

I watched a few things recently.

I just watched my friend Lacy's wedding video, and it was beautiful. I was getting very emotional watching it, because she looked so absolutely happy. All of her family, her new husband, everyone was celebrating their new life together. I'm not even best friends with her or anything! I know when Tom or Paul or even I get married, I will be crying like a little bitch. Hahah. It's gonna be awesome.

I also saw people talking at Lanford Wilson's memorial service. They had so many great stories, and I got a sense of how connected everyone felt around him.

All of these things are life. They are so full of life, that it seems unreal. How sad is that, that something that incredible, so full of happiness, joy, and love doesn't seem like life? I'm reminded of Stab City by As Tall As Lions. "Even when you find the love, it's fake. And everything I touch, I break." <- That's the pessimistic way of looking at it.

I am desirous to have relationships as connected as those I mentioned are. I understand, every day can't be huge, great, momentous, but why can't we try? I'm nihilistic/romantic/sentimental/realistic. I'm weird. But on top of all of it, I'm a humanist. I love people. I want to be there for and with people. I want to drop the charade of thinking I'm better than people, or at least acting like I am. I'm not plain and simple. People are people, and we're all different.

Life is good with bad things happening sometimes, not the other way around.

My turn

If you were/are upset by something, say it. Don't make a Facebook status out of it.

I'm pissed off at some things, so I'm lashing out. It's not fair to the other people, they say something that irks me a little, and I get more aggressive than usual. However, it's all been bottled up, so now it's leaking out.

I don't understand why I feel like everyone feels like they're opinion is valid, but mine isn't.

Irritating. And yes, I realize the above, that I'm doing the same thing, but not too many people know about this blog so it's different..? Not really. Hahah

Oregon!

I'm in Oregon, and wow. Wow wow wee wow.

As soon as I landed here, I thought "I'm home." It was weird. I felt my emotions well up seeing the woods, it's GORGEOUS up here. I feel so wonderful here. I'm on my laptop at Starbucks, looking out the window and I see a large hill, and it's gorgeous.

I left my bag in Portland, long story, but I didn't pick it up when I was supposed to. I thought it would transfer, but it didn't. Note to self, and all others.

I was thinking of William Hurt also when I was landing. He chose this place to live? Fuck yeah he did. I wanna come back and see his play, cuz that'd be awesome.

I walked to downtown, loved it, got to walk in the Elizabethan theatre, and I heard something in me say "You'll perform on this stage." Maybe that was just wishful thinking, but I'm gonna work hard, and see where that gets me. I've got a lot going for me. Not saying that cockily, but it's just true.

Loving it. Badahbababa! <- McDonald's commercial thing.

Update

Well,

This has been a great couple of months. Where did I leave off?

Well, let's see. I made every letter grade I could, except for F, my last real semester in college. Awesome. I was really distracted, and I didn't do my best. Didn't put my all in. I wish I did, but it's all gravy at this point.

I auditioned for the Alliance auditions, basically 40 theatre companies from around Houston, and I had 2 minutes in front of them. I had Jim Price help me pick out some, I worked on them, and I got Jamie to help me with them. I was really prepared to kick some ass and take some names. I went in, did them, and got asked a few questions. And a friend of mine, MJ, asked me if I was free to work during the summer and I said I wasn't because I was studying abroad at the RSC and Oregon Shakespeare Festival. That got a good response from the room. :-D

So, I studied at SM to prep for Stratford, and I learned alot, had alot of fun, and I worked really hard. I am now on an ADD medicine, that has helped ALOT. I was focused, ready to work, play, all that stuff.

So when were in Stratford, I had sooooo much fun! We worked really hard, and I was fully ready for it. I made straight A's in both of the Stratford classes. :-D

Now, I've gotten ready for Oregon, researched, wrote a paper, gonna start reading plays, and gonna write more papers. I've been lazier on this class, but every moment is a new moment, so I've been working really hard to make up for it. So far I am. I can do it, I will do it, I am doing it.

I'm just so excited about this point in my life. All of my work, life, and everything has prepared me for it, and it's great. There are a few hiccups every now and then, but I get past them with positivity and optimism. Also with a few moments of self-deprecation, but no-one's perfect.

That's the gist of everything right now. More soon. Hopefully I'll keep this blog up, more often.

Ttfn, tata for now.

Bi-winning

I look at my blog, and I was so very stressed out, or so very happy.

Well, this is a happy post. I put Bi-winning because I thought it was Charlie Sheen's way of making positive light of bipolar-ness. Granted, I don't have it, just saying.

I went to the counselour's yesterday. I'm not sick, I don't have anything wrong with me, just my way of thinking was hurting me. I realized something I knew. Perfection is unattainable, just do the work and pour my heart into it. Risk vulnerability again. I like that. Risk vulnerability.

I also need to do small chunks, and don't give into to the shoulds. I should be able to do this, should be able to do that, etc.

Well, I need to get shtuff done. Tttyyyllll

F*ck

If this is what I want to do with my life, more than anything else, I'm willing to get paid next to shit for it, then why am I not doing it? Why am I not putting the work into it?

F*********************************CCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every day brings me a little closer

Every day is a journey I've decided. It goes into the whole Robert Frost poem:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Yeah, this is cliche bullshit, but cliche's are based in a truth that has been passed down throughout the years. I have been doing minor things to bring about a difference for me: I'm listening to music that's on my Ipod that I haven't touched since I put it on there, I'm eating what I want to eat and not feeling guilty about it, I'm putting a little more effort into my work and learning to accept that I can't control how people view it, I'm actually reading for class and the project isn't due 'til Thursday! (not a huge revelation, but baby steps. :-) )

I'm also realizing that I'm not ready for everything I wanna do. I have it in me, it's there, I just have to access it on a more regular basis and put the work in.

There's so much I wanna do, but I'm embracing that it can't all happen today, nor should it. With all the ambitions I have, it's gonna take alot more work than me just wanting it.

Pluuusss- I'm in an improv show. Yeah, I know, right? Like I said in the last blog, I'm alot different than I was in high school. I'm having so much fun with it, and it's helping me to get out of my own way.

I can't wait to see where the next moment will take me. It's scary, but I'm taking the steps towards it.

This blog may be all over the place, but I'll just let you sort it all out.

Ps- Mumford & Sons, Avett Brothers, AND Bob Dylan at the Grammys last night?! YYYUUUSSS!!!