I miss my silences with her

Balance

Nice, but not too nice.
Assertive, but not aggressive.
Funny, but not using it as a defense mechanism.
Be yourself, but relax.
Play hard to get, but don't be a douche.
Have your morals, but don't be too rigid.
Think before you speak, but don't become self-conscious.
Be mindful of death, but don't be consumed by it.
Carpe diem, but remember your responsibilities.
Confidence, but not arrogance.
Sensitive, but not emotional.
Masculine, but not beef cakey.
Persistent, but not clingy.


How does a person live in this world? Individuality doesn't seem to be valued, unless it's popular, or on TV, in movies, or something. What is it? Who starts the trends? The popular people, but when does popularity get dried up? When does individuality hurt the person from not being loved? Accepted? Do you say fuck it, and live your life? Or do we struggle against our individual impulses to fit in?

Do you stick around people you know and love? But how do you meet them? Do you just shut yourself off from everyone else? What if you are around people who don't know who you really are? Are beliefs behavioral or in us from the beginning?

Uggghhhh...

Should I?

Should I give up?
Go with something new?
It makes you think when enough is enough,
will I know? Will you be too nice to tell me?

I'd rather you be mean, so I won't be lying to myself
and hold onto hope. You are an angel, but you aren't heaven.
Stop telling me everything's ok, when everything is not ok. You
aren't being a good person doing this. I'm addicted to you, and I don't
want to be. I was a while ago, and I still am. I have to exorcise this demon
within me.

I read, I watch, I want

I watched a few things recently.

I just watched my friend Lacy's wedding video, and it was beautiful. I was getting very emotional watching it, because she looked so absolutely happy. All of her family, her new husband, everyone was celebrating their new life together. I'm not even best friends with her or anything! I know when Tom or Paul or even I get married, I will be crying like a little bitch. Hahah. It's gonna be awesome.

I also saw people talking at Lanford Wilson's memorial service. They had so many great stories, and I got a sense of how connected everyone felt around him.

All of these things are life. They are so full of life, that it seems unreal. How sad is that, that something that incredible, so full of happiness, joy, and love doesn't seem like life? I'm reminded of Stab City by As Tall As Lions. "Even when you find the love, it's fake. And everything I touch, I break." <- That's the pessimistic way of looking at it.

I am desirous to have relationships as connected as those I mentioned are. I understand, every day can't be huge, great, momentous, but why can't we try? I'm nihilistic/romantic/sentimental/realistic. I'm weird. But on top of all of it, I'm a humanist. I love people. I want to be there for and with people. I want to drop the charade of thinking I'm better than people, or at least acting like I am. I'm not plain and simple. People are people, and we're all different.

Life is good with bad things happening sometimes, not the other way around.

My turn

If you were/are upset by something, say it. Don't make a Facebook status out of it.

I'm pissed off at some things, so I'm lashing out. It's not fair to the other people, they say something that irks me a little, and I get more aggressive than usual. However, it's all been bottled up, so now it's leaking out.

I don't understand why I feel like everyone feels like they're opinion is valid, but mine isn't.

Irritating. And yes, I realize the above, that I'm doing the same thing, but not too many people know about this blog so it's different..? Not really. Hahah

Oregon!

I'm in Oregon, and wow. Wow wow wee wow.

As soon as I landed here, I thought "I'm home." It was weird. I felt my emotions well up seeing the woods, it's GORGEOUS up here. I feel so wonderful here. I'm on my laptop at Starbucks, looking out the window and I see a large hill, and it's gorgeous.

I left my bag in Portland, long story, but I didn't pick it up when I was supposed to. I thought it would transfer, but it didn't. Note to self, and all others.

I was thinking of William Hurt also when I was landing. He chose this place to live? Fuck yeah he did. I wanna come back and see his play, cuz that'd be awesome.

I walked to downtown, loved it, got to walk in the Elizabethan theatre, and I heard something in me say "You'll perform on this stage." Maybe that was just wishful thinking, but I'm gonna work hard, and see where that gets me. I've got a lot going for me. Not saying that cockily, but it's just true.

Loving it. Badahbababa! <- McDonald's commercial thing.

Update

Well,

This has been a great couple of months. Where did I leave off?

Well, let's see. I made every letter grade I could, except for F, my last real semester in college. Awesome. I was really distracted, and I didn't do my best. Didn't put my all in. I wish I did, but it's all gravy at this point.

I auditioned for the Alliance auditions, basically 40 theatre companies from around Houston, and I had 2 minutes in front of them. I had Jim Price help me pick out some, I worked on them, and I got Jamie to help me with them. I was really prepared to kick some ass and take some names. I went in, did them, and got asked a few questions. And a friend of mine, MJ, asked me if I was free to work during the summer and I said I wasn't because I was studying abroad at the RSC and Oregon Shakespeare Festival. That got a good response from the room. :-D

So, I studied at SM to prep for Stratford, and I learned alot, had alot of fun, and I worked really hard. I am now on an ADD medicine, that has helped ALOT. I was focused, ready to work, play, all that stuff.

So when were in Stratford, I had sooooo much fun! We worked really hard, and I was fully ready for it. I made straight A's in both of the Stratford classes. :-D

Now, I've gotten ready for Oregon, researched, wrote a paper, gonna start reading plays, and gonna write more papers. I've been lazier on this class, but every moment is a new moment, so I've been working really hard to make up for it. So far I am. I can do it, I will do it, I am doing it.

I'm just so excited about this point in my life. All of my work, life, and everything has prepared me for it, and it's great. There are a few hiccups every now and then, but I get past them with positivity and optimism. Also with a few moments of self-deprecation, but no-one's perfect.

That's the gist of everything right now. More soon. Hopefully I'll keep this blog up, more often.

Ttfn, tata for now.