And now for something completely different

From my last post. haha.

I think these past couple of days, I've been coming down from something. I am not used to it, so it made me uncomfortable.

Now, I am up at 4 AM, and I am doing chores I should have done during normal human hours, but have neglected because "I don't have enough time". That's such a bull shit phrase. It's a cop out when a person doesn't really mean it. College students use it like they use...a dirty bra that they haven't washed. It starts off being true because you don't how to manage your time, you are excited to be on your own finally, then after a while you start to buckle under the pressure, then pretty soon you are used to the rough and tumble. Then, you finally wash the bra, and you're back where you started. Then one of these days, you're boobs get bigger and you have to get a new, better fitting bra. This is such a strange metaphor I'm using...

I have learned about myself that I can't completely rush into everything yet. I have to work a bit at a time. See, I've known that for a while. You don't swallow an entire apple, you take bites off, a chewable piece at a time. I've known this, I've been taught this, but I haven't accepted that for me, because all I see around me is everyone's result. What I didn't realize is that they had to work hard on getting to that result. Or they were/are just as deluded as I was, and got it all done really quickly and 1/4 ass-edly.

I'm gonna have to read a paragraph a few times before I get it, I may have to summarize it for myself, I may have to come back to it later, I may have to do whatever, but I have to do whatever works for me. Not what is right for everyone else, but what is right for me. Hmm...that's underlined, bold faced, and italicised. What could that mean?

Laura Lane says that acting is a process, and that such is life. Well, I'm gonna go even further than that and say that everything is a process! Ok, maybe I should pull back and say that she's right. The two go hand in hand, and that's what I'm learning after I've fallen on my face multiple times.

Welp... *raises a glass. Here's to knowing your lessons before you actually absorb them, and here's to failing and learning, but never failing to learn! *chugs liquid that is in glass.

!>.

I hate what I'm doing

What am I doing? Nothing. That's the problem. I'm lazy, I'm unmotivated, I'm spoiled, I'm not putting the work in. Have I given up? It feels like it. What am I doing to stop this? Pitying myself. Woe is me. I can't get motivated, cry, tear, blemish.

What the hell me? Why can't I do this? This is nobody's fault but my own. I have a test in a little less than an hour. Have I studied? Nopppe! I have a test next week with a bunch of things I still need to read.

I have rehearsel tonight. Do I have lines memorized? Nnn...yeah, actually I do. They aren't hard. I just want to sleep for a long long time. I want to get up eventually, but when I can have a blank slate, a fresh start. Can I do that? Nooopppeee....

I love myself

This is a very narcisstic post, but it has taken me 20 years to get to this point.

!>.

In a good place

Alright, so I've been thinking. I think I'm in a good place. That seems completely different than the way I feel, but I think I am. I'm learning to survive and have a life. I'm learning to listen to music that I want to, wear what I want one, have my own point of view.

I feel like I'm not fitting in, and I feel simultaneously like that's a good thing and yet, I don't feel completely ok with that. However, I logically know that it's gonna be ok.

Sometimes my logic beats my feelings. I think I'm smarter than my age, but I still feel the same things that a person my age feels. At least I hope.

I see myself getting in great shape, wearing my favorite hat, wearing a shirt I like, and playing my cello with my friends in a band on an open mike night. I see myself becoming a person, an artist, an actor, a friend, a poet, and in the sense that I'm doing what I believe in regardless of what others think, especially family.

Am I afraid to become who I want to or am because of my family? My family is pretty dern conservative, nothing wrong with that, but they aren't used to the idea of me being an actor. They know it's what I want to do, but you can just tell that it doesn't sit well with them. I try to talk with them about other things, but I can't find somethine. And sometimes I have good conversations with them, and I find myself wanting to recreate that.

Maybe I am afraid of me. Maybe I am afraid of changing because people know me a certain way. I just need to be me. Why the fuck is that hard? Is society squashing people from they really are? Is religion? Are politics? Are norms? Are culture? How did we get to being so afraid of what we really want? How does this happen?

Why do we have to make money to be happy? I think after I get out of school, I want to live in the Bahamas, rent a house or something for a few months and just live simply. Maybe bring some friends along who feel that way also. Just to live. To breathe air. To see the sea come rolling in, and out. To eat when we want to and sleep when we want to. To just do what the fuck we want to do for those 3 months.

But at the same time, why can't we do that here? Why can't we just do what we have deep in our hearts and have fun!?

!>.
^ Excitement beats mundane.

Cate Blanchett+Streetcar named Desire=Drool

Dude! Cate Blanchett in Streetcar Named Desire!? That is AWESOME sounding!

I think it's a good sign that I'm doing the right thing when not only great male actors inspire me, but great women do also. That's not a sexist remark. At keast, it wasn't intended to be.

I wanna go up to see this show. I want to figure out a way. I can probably find a place to rest my head, but plane tickets are expensive. Fuuuuucccckkkk!!!!

New Realization

You know what's so great about life? You learn a little bit at a time. I just learned something about me, and now I can rest a little easier at night now. Wanna know what it is? Well, I'll tell you...

I'm not as quirky as I want to be. I'm not a super quirky person, and you know what? That's ok. Quirky people may stick out and they may be people who I think are cool, but I'm not gonna be cool to everyone, and I'm not gonna be a super quirky person. I want to be described that way, I want to play quirky characters, but I will never be that way.

I listen to the music that I like, I wear the clothes that I want. I don't have to be a certain way. I can just be me, and learn to live with myself whether I like all the things I find or not.

I am me, and that's all I'll ever be.

Not gonna lie

Not gonna lie. I'm a little pissed I didn't get called back for Big Love. I don't know about the other ones, but I'm still pissed.

I didn't work my ass off, I didn't do as good I should've, I didn't do a great job in Macbeth, I got nervous, I didn't make my monologue as layered as it should've been, I didn't do what I was supposed to do really, I was nervous.

So why am I pissed? Because some actors that really aren't that good got called back. I guess I'm learning now how superficially directors can base their choices. That must be it. Oh well. Whatever. I will work much harder on my audition pieces for the next play auditions. It'll be tough, but God damn it, it's gonna be fun. :-)