I love myself

This is a very narcisstic post, but it has taken me 20 years to get to this point.

!>.

In a good place

Alright, so I've been thinking. I think I'm in a good place. That seems completely different than the way I feel, but I think I am. I'm learning to survive and have a life. I'm learning to listen to music that I want to, wear what I want one, have my own point of view.

I feel like I'm not fitting in, and I feel simultaneously like that's a good thing and yet, I don't feel completely ok with that. However, I logically know that it's gonna be ok.

Sometimes my logic beats my feelings. I think I'm smarter than my age, but I still feel the same things that a person my age feels. At least I hope.

I see myself getting in great shape, wearing my favorite hat, wearing a shirt I like, and playing my cello with my friends in a band on an open mike night. I see myself becoming a person, an artist, an actor, a friend, a poet, and in the sense that I'm doing what I believe in regardless of what others think, especially family.

Am I afraid to become who I want to or am because of my family? My family is pretty dern conservative, nothing wrong with that, but they aren't used to the idea of me being an actor. They know it's what I want to do, but you can just tell that it doesn't sit well with them. I try to talk with them about other things, but I can't find somethine. And sometimes I have good conversations with them, and I find myself wanting to recreate that.

Maybe I am afraid of me. Maybe I am afraid of changing because people know me a certain way. I just need to be me. Why the fuck is that hard? Is society squashing people from they really are? Is religion? Are politics? Are norms? Are culture? How did we get to being so afraid of what we really want? How does this happen?

Why do we have to make money to be happy? I think after I get out of school, I want to live in the Bahamas, rent a house or something for a few months and just live simply. Maybe bring some friends along who feel that way also. Just to live. To breathe air. To see the sea come rolling in, and out. To eat when we want to and sleep when we want to. To just do what the fuck we want to do for those 3 months.

But at the same time, why can't we do that here? Why can't we just do what we have deep in our hearts and have fun!?

!>.
^ Excitement beats mundane.

Cate Blanchett+Streetcar named Desire=Drool

Dude! Cate Blanchett in Streetcar Named Desire!? That is AWESOME sounding!

I think it's a good sign that I'm doing the right thing when not only great male actors inspire me, but great women do also. That's not a sexist remark. At keast, it wasn't intended to be.

I wanna go up to see this show. I want to figure out a way. I can probably find a place to rest my head, but plane tickets are expensive. Fuuuuucccckkkk!!!!

New Realization

You know what's so great about life? You learn a little bit at a time. I just learned something about me, and now I can rest a little easier at night now. Wanna know what it is? Well, I'll tell you...

I'm not as quirky as I want to be. I'm not a super quirky person, and you know what? That's ok. Quirky people may stick out and they may be people who I think are cool, but I'm not gonna be cool to everyone, and I'm not gonna be a super quirky person. I want to be described that way, I want to play quirky characters, but I will never be that way.

I listen to the music that I like, I wear the clothes that I want. I don't have to be a certain way. I can just be me, and learn to live with myself whether I like all the things I find or not.

I am me, and that's all I'll ever be.