In a good place

Alright, so I've been thinking. I think I'm in a good place. That seems completely different than the way I feel, but I think I am. I'm learning to survive and have a life. I'm learning to listen to music that I want to, wear what I want one, have my own point of view.

I feel like I'm not fitting in, and I feel simultaneously like that's a good thing and yet, I don't feel completely ok with that. However, I logically know that it's gonna be ok.

Sometimes my logic beats my feelings. I think I'm smarter than my age, but I still feel the same things that a person my age feels. At least I hope.

I see myself getting in great shape, wearing my favorite hat, wearing a shirt I like, and playing my cello with my friends in a band on an open mike night. I see myself becoming a person, an artist, an actor, a friend, a poet, and in the sense that I'm doing what I believe in regardless of what others think, especially family.

Am I afraid to become who I want to or am because of my family? My family is pretty dern conservative, nothing wrong with that, but they aren't used to the idea of me being an actor. They know it's what I want to do, but you can just tell that it doesn't sit well with them. I try to talk with them about other things, but I can't find somethine. And sometimes I have good conversations with them, and I find myself wanting to recreate that.

Maybe I am afraid of me. Maybe I am afraid of changing because people know me a certain way. I just need to be me. Why the fuck is that hard? Is society squashing people from they really are? Is religion? Are politics? Are norms? Are culture? How did we get to being so afraid of what we really want? How does this happen?

Why do we have to make money to be happy? I think after I get out of school, I want to live in the Bahamas, rent a house or something for a few months and just live simply. Maybe bring some friends along who feel that way also. Just to live. To breathe air. To see the sea come rolling in, and out. To eat when we want to and sleep when we want to. To just do what the fuck we want to do for those 3 months.

But at the same time, why can't we do that here? Why can't we just do what we have deep in our hearts and have fun!?

!>.
^ Excitement beats mundane.