My brain is on a rollercoaster

Or at least it feels like it is.

I just had coffee with my friend who now lives in New York going to a conservatory up there. She went from high school to the certain place, and when we were talking, she sounded the way that I want to be. She thinks like an actor, and has gotten a toolbox of techniques, and can go confidently out into the real world, and may get professional work.

I am scared of going out into the real world right now, because I don't feel prepared at all. Most of that is my fault, but I don't feel like I'm getting what I need from my school. I want to get a degree, and have been advised to not get a theatre degree. There is a study abroad program that I want to do where we would go to Stratford, and study Shakespeare with the actual Royal Shakespeare Company. Shakespeare is important to me, but I know there is not high demand out there.

There is part of me that wants to drop out of my college, and go to the conservatory, and come back to finish up my degree, or finish my degree and go to the conservatory and undo all the bad training I may have gotten now.

I don't really know. I feel like if I stay at the school I'm at, I'm just learning one technique, one way of doing things. I want the toolbox of techniques, I want to feel prepared and confident enough to tackle any material I am given.

Gah!

A little annoyed

So, I've been talking with someone I knew in high school. I'm trying to reconnect with them, trying to be polite, ask them what they are up to, ask them how've they been etc, and I'm not getting alot from them.

Now, I'm not calling that particular person a jerk, cuz they aren't. They really aren't. All I'm asking is for real-ness.

I think that's it really...Just had to get this out.

Tim

So lemme get this straight, you put the lime in the coconut

I am so happy right now. Cept, I should be sleeping...oh well.

This is gonna be a great break, and simply because I have a bunch of reading I will get to do, and have some good movies to watch. I am SUPER excited! :-D

I am going to start reading "All the Pretty Horses" by Cormac McCarthy. I've heard alot of great things about him and his books, and one opinion that is open to interpretation so...

I can't sleep right now, but I'm gonna try again. :-)

Nostalgia

So...I can't find a philosophy book that I need to study for my quiz, but whatever.

I'm watching my old high school UIL play. It's not as great as I thought before, but damn that was a tough play for us high schoolers. I mean it has some good moments, but we were in high school. heh.

I just realized watching that I wasn't relaxed. I wasn't comfortable with who I am/was. There were some people that were alot more relaxed, comfortable back then. There's part of me that's beating my old self up because I didn't feel like I belonged, when all I had to do was relax a little bit. But then there's the bigger part of me that is glad that I've learned more about me, and how to be me instead of what other people want me to be. I still struggle, but I'm human.

Watching the play, I can feel nostalgia. It's a good feeling. I do wish I was closer to those people, because they are all pretty cool, and not in the way it's used now. We were all different, and we were quite the motley crew. There was drama on and offstage, I was in a relationship, I didn't understand the play or how to do it, and I didn't have a social life.

This is all part of growing up. I may never see some of them again, I may work with them again, or I may see some of them for the rest of my life. Who knows?

Good day, coulda been better...

So today I woke up and played ultimate frisbee, which was sweet.

Then, I hung out with my former Facebook fiancee Daniel, and we cleaned my apartment, which was good cuz it was nasty. (Thanks again buddy)

Then, I went to a party. The person that I wanted to be there, wasn't there. It's all good. :-)

So, I saw a girl that looked like Anne Hathaway the actress, but prettier in my opinion. I wanted to tell her that, but I kept getting too freaked out. Why? I'm bad about talking to people I have no previous kind of connection with for some reason. So, finally, after a lot of my friends telling me to go do it, I told her, and then we talked for a little bit. It was small talk, and I was/am not a big fan of the/our small talk.

So, after I talked to her the first time, I was talking with more people I knew, and then I came back and awkwardly tried to start talking to her again. I went a little overboard with my hyperness, and I think she misinterpreted it as I was drunk. I wasn't. I was just trying to make her laugh, which didn't work very well cuz I think she went into polite laugh mode.

I wanted to really talk to her, but I kept pussing out. Then she left. The only thing I got out of that was her first name. Natalie.

So, I hung around for a little while longer, and then I left. When I was leaving, I saw a girl I met at ultimate. Whilest we were talking, some cops came up and asked us if we were the owners of the apartment, and that they needed to talk to them. So, they did, and I left. Friggin' cops. We're college kids! It's almost Christmas! Leave us the hell alone!

So, I need to grow some balls by the time I go to another party, so's I can go up to pretty girls easier and more confidently.

I'll learn. It's a process.

Damn it!!

So, I added a friend on Facebook that's stirring up a lot things that I've thought about recently, but I'm gonna spill on here, because it should be interesting.

The friend I added is an actor for a company in Minnesota called Epiphany Studios. It's a Catholic theatre company. I bet if I went up there, I could help him out a lot. However, I'm not Catholic anymore, but I was thinking about why I'm not.

So let's see. I'm gonna try to be as specific as possible, so that I can say what I believe and not what all the other non-Christians say.

1) I don't believe in there being one right answer for everything. I live how I think I ought to, but that can be completely different from everyone else and that's ok.

1a) I can still be Catholic, but I won't be strictly Catholic with all of these things.

2) I have thought a lot about this, but I don't know if I believe in a god or God or not. I don't know if I really do believe there is something bigger because I want something to be bigger, or because there really is. I don't if I want to think there is a meaning to everything, or that there really is.

2a) Kinda have to believe in "God" to be Catholic.

3) I don't believe that lust is all bad. If it ultimately consumes you and you can't control yourself, it's not good, but a little lust can go a long way. I also have participated in premarital sex, and I don't have a huge problem with it. People just have to be smart, and sex can't become everything. And homosexuality is not a choice in my mind, and persecuting someone for anything is wrong.

3a) These are more contemporary issues in the church. One of my friends put it beautifully and she said that sex nowadays isn't for survival as much these days. It can be for fun because our survival as a species doesn't rely on everyone to have a baby after sex.

4)Drugs and alcohol. Aight. I'm gonna stop myself from saying all I've done, but I don't think people should completely not do them. Yes, they aren't the best things for you, and yes, you can do some things you normally wouldn't do, however that's more the person. Feel me? People just need to be smart.


So there are some things that I agree with with Catholicism, and there are some things that I don't agree with.

If I were to help out with this Epiphany Studios thing, I could do it, but it doesn't mean I'd have to agree with it.

!>.

Tim

:-D

Hey!...Everyone that reads my blogs...Not very many people I would imagine. Oh well.

I finally did my DTA paper, presentation, project, and now I have a final tommorow in it. Oh boy! :-p

But I was thinking. I have high expectations for myself, and I think that's good, but sometimes I think they may be a little too high. I want to be ambitious, but not self-loathing. I'm not self-loathing, but I'm not not completely. Get me?

I want to be more relaxed around people. I tend to be intimidated by people who I deem to be cooler than me. Surprisingly, that's a lot of people. It's really frustrating. I tend to get more self-conscious and tense etc.

This break I have to start working out. I'm gonna start stretching everyday....soon. That will help me relax, and help me out in other ways. It's gonna be tough.

I just want to be me, and not what other people want me to be. I'm a lot better now than I was before, but I can always get better. :-D

Side note

So...I feel like I don't have time to do what I feel like I need to do in order to get ready for my future career, and even more importantly, to get ready for my life.

This has been brought about by watching an interview with Val Kilmer. He is hugely underrated in many people's books, including mine. Watch The Doors, and tell me you don't think he did an incredible. Go on. I dare you.

Val is very true to his impulses, and he works hard, and he is incredibly relaxed, and no-one is going to tell him what to do. I find that awesome. He's like Mickey Rourke, but not as popular, and not quite as good an actor, but it's all good.

Anyways, that's all for now.

Peace.