Jep jep jep jep

Jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep jep

Thought

Dear AnonymoUs,

I want to take you to a cocktail party, just to see you all made up and in a lovely evening gown. I want to hold your hand, and have polite conversations with men and women older than us, that will remark how well raised we are. We will smile, thank them humbly yet knowingly, and slightly awkwardly drink our champagne.

Thought you should know. :-)

Tim

When Chandler proposes to Monica...

Makes me cry every time. I have to say that, and I like my new Facebook status too much to change it.

Late at night

I'm cleaning my room. I'm listening to the band that always started our conversations, back what seems like forever ago. I was so worried the silence would overwhelm us, crush my brain into a cube like in the Looney Tunes cartoons, so I kept the band as a topic in my back pocket. It never did. Silence isn't the enemy. You aren't. I'm not. Circumstances grow to be. I have faith in life. Whatever happens will happen. I don't normally feel this Zen, so it's nice to have it when it's associated with you.

Whenever I'm with someone I care about, and we're together, I get passive aggressive. I don't want that to happen. I make the other feel like they're being a jerk, when I'm the one making them feel that way. I can't help it. I get it from my mother. Now that I have put to words and realized this about myself, I can attempt to stop it. It makes me think what else I haven't realized yet. It makes me scared of me a little. A lot. Maybe that's what keeps me, me. I always have a slight fear of me, or what I will do. Not saying you should be, I just mean, that I get myself in trouble sometimes I think.

This helps. Writing to you when you don't know I am. I guess this is all I can do for now.

Life and Art with Life

I'm watching Lanford Wilson in a few interviews. I wish I could've met him. Luckily, I know people who knew him.

I watch these, and it makes me think. I want to live the artistic life, and I guess I am, but I don't feel like I am. I want to go out there and do it. I feel like I'm wasting away, and it's only been 2 months. Jesus. Dramatic much?

Ok. No more whining. Bye

No-one reads these things probs

But I guess I'll just ask the universe....Am I being delusional or ambitious?

I want to be an actor. Plain and simple. I want to be involved in theatre for the rest of my life. Plain and simple. Simple idea, hard to bring into actuality. Very hard.

I want to go to one of the top grad schools for acting in order to get an MFA to teach high school one day possibly, to have that kick ass training, and to have it on a resume wouldn't look too shabby.

I'm struggling with the thought. I know I'm good, I know I can be way better, I'm working to get even better, however, am I being delusional? Do I have a chance of getting in somewhere fantastic, even at the top of my game?

I guess I'll just work hard, do everything I can to kick ass and master what I can control and let go of what I can't control.
Right?

I was just listening to Juke Box Hero by Foreigner, and that's exactly how I feel about acting/theatre. Awesome.

I miss my silences with her

Balance

Nice, but not too nice.
Assertive, but not aggressive.
Funny, but not using it as a defense mechanism.
Be yourself, but relax.
Play hard to get, but don't be a douche.
Have your morals, but don't be too rigid.
Think before you speak, but don't become self-conscious.
Be mindful of death, but don't be consumed by it.
Carpe diem, but remember your responsibilities.
Confidence, but not arrogance.
Sensitive, but not emotional.
Masculine, but not beef cakey.
Persistent, but not clingy.


How does a person live in this world? Individuality doesn't seem to be valued, unless it's popular, or on TV, in movies, or something. What is it? Who starts the trends? The popular people, but when does popularity get dried up? When does individuality hurt the person from not being loved? Accepted? Do you say fuck it, and live your life? Or do we struggle against our individual impulses to fit in?

Do you stick around people you know and love? But how do you meet them? Do you just shut yourself off from everyone else? What if you are around people who don't know who you really are? Are beliefs behavioral or in us from the beginning?

Uggghhhh...

Should I?

Should I give up?
Go with something new?
It makes you think when enough is enough,
will I know? Will you be too nice to tell me?

I'd rather you be mean, so I won't be lying to myself
and hold onto hope. You are an angel, but you aren't heaven.
Stop telling me everything's ok, when everything is not ok. You
aren't being a good person doing this. I'm addicted to you, and I don't
want to be. I was a while ago, and I still am. I have to exorcise this demon
within me.

I read, I watch, I want

I watched a few things recently.

I just watched my friend Lacy's wedding video, and it was beautiful. I was getting very emotional watching it, because she looked so absolutely happy. All of her family, her new husband, everyone was celebrating their new life together. I'm not even best friends with her or anything! I know when Tom or Paul or even I get married, I will be crying like a little bitch. Hahah. It's gonna be awesome.

I also saw people talking at Lanford Wilson's memorial service. They had so many great stories, and I got a sense of how connected everyone felt around him.

All of these things are life. They are so full of life, that it seems unreal. How sad is that, that something that incredible, so full of happiness, joy, and love doesn't seem like life? I'm reminded of Stab City by As Tall As Lions. "Even when you find the love, it's fake. And everything I touch, I break." <- That's the pessimistic way of looking at it.

I am desirous to have relationships as connected as those I mentioned are. I understand, every day can't be huge, great, momentous, but why can't we try? I'm nihilistic/romantic/sentimental/realistic. I'm weird. But on top of all of it, I'm a humanist. I love people. I want to be there for and with people. I want to drop the charade of thinking I'm better than people, or at least acting like I am. I'm not plain and simple. People are people, and we're all different.

Life is good with bad things happening sometimes, not the other way around.

My turn

If you were/are upset by something, say it. Don't make a Facebook status out of it.

I'm pissed off at some things, so I'm lashing out. It's not fair to the other people, they say something that irks me a little, and I get more aggressive than usual. However, it's all been bottled up, so now it's leaking out.

I don't understand why I feel like everyone feels like they're opinion is valid, but mine isn't.

Irritating. And yes, I realize the above, that I'm doing the same thing, but not too many people know about this blog so it's different..? Not really. Hahah

Oregon!

I'm in Oregon, and wow. Wow wow wee wow.

As soon as I landed here, I thought "I'm home." It was weird. I felt my emotions well up seeing the woods, it's GORGEOUS up here. I feel so wonderful here. I'm on my laptop at Starbucks, looking out the window and I see a large hill, and it's gorgeous.

I left my bag in Portland, long story, but I didn't pick it up when I was supposed to. I thought it would transfer, but it didn't. Note to self, and all others.

I was thinking of William Hurt also when I was landing. He chose this place to live? Fuck yeah he did. I wanna come back and see his play, cuz that'd be awesome.

I walked to downtown, loved it, got to walk in the Elizabethan theatre, and I heard something in me say "You'll perform on this stage." Maybe that was just wishful thinking, but I'm gonna work hard, and see where that gets me. I've got a lot going for me. Not saying that cockily, but it's just true.

Loving it. Badahbababa! <- McDonald's commercial thing.

Update

Well,

This has been a great couple of months. Where did I leave off?

Well, let's see. I made every letter grade I could, except for F, my last real semester in college. Awesome. I was really distracted, and I didn't do my best. Didn't put my all in. I wish I did, but it's all gravy at this point.

I auditioned for the Alliance auditions, basically 40 theatre companies from around Houston, and I had 2 minutes in front of them. I had Jim Price help me pick out some, I worked on them, and I got Jamie to help me with them. I was really prepared to kick some ass and take some names. I went in, did them, and got asked a few questions. And a friend of mine, MJ, asked me if I was free to work during the summer and I said I wasn't because I was studying abroad at the RSC and Oregon Shakespeare Festival. That got a good response from the room. :-D

So, I studied at SM to prep for Stratford, and I learned alot, had alot of fun, and I worked really hard. I am now on an ADD medicine, that has helped ALOT. I was focused, ready to work, play, all that stuff.

So when were in Stratford, I had sooooo much fun! We worked really hard, and I was fully ready for it. I made straight A's in both of the Stratford classes. :-D

Now, I've gotten ready for Oregon, researched, wrote a paper, gonna start reading plays, and gonna write more papers. I've been lazier on this class, but every moment is a new moment, so I've been working really hard to make up for it. So far I am. I can do it, I will do it, I am doing it.

I'm just so excited about this point in my life. All of my work, life, and everything has prepared me for it, and it's great. There are a few hiccups every now and then, but I get past them with positivity and optimism. Also with a few moments of self-deprecation, but no-one's perfect.

That's the gist of everything right now. More soon. Hopefully I'll keep this blog up, more often.

Ttfn, tata for now.

Bi-winning

I look at my blog, and I was so very stressed out, or so very happy.

Well, this is a happy post. I put Bi-winning because I thought it was Charlie Sheen's way of making positive light of bipolar-ness. Granted, I don't have it, just saying.

I went to the counselour's yesterday. I'm not sick, I don't have anything wrong with me, just my way of thinking was hurting me. I realized something I knew. Perfection is unattainable, just do the work and pour my heart into it. Risk vulnerability again. I like that. Risk vulnerability.

I also need to do small chunks, and don't give into to the shoulds. I should be able to do this, should be able to do that, etc.

Well, I need to get shtuff done. Tttyyyllll

F*ck

If this is what I want to do with my life, more than anything else, I'm willing to get paid next to shit for it, then why am I not doing it? Why am I not putting the work into it?

F*********************************CCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every day brings me a little closer

Every day is a journey I've decided. It goes into the whole Robert Frost poem:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Yeah, this is cliche bullshit, but cliche's are based in a truth that has been passed down throughout the years. I have been doing minor things to bring about a difference for me: I'm listening to music that's on my Ipod that I haven't touched since I put it on there, I'm eating what I want to eat and not feeling guilty about it, I'm putting a little more effort into my work and learning to accept that I can't control how people view it, I'm actually reading for class and the project isn't due 'til Thursday! (not a huge revelation, but baby steps. :-) )

I'm also realizing that I'm not ready for everything I wanna do. I have it in me, it's there, I just have to access it on a more regular basis and put the work in.

There's so much I wanna do, but I'm embracing that it can't all happen today, nor should it. With all the ambitions I have, it's gonna take alot more work than me just wanting it.

Pluuusss- I'm in an improv show. Yeah, I know, right? Like I said in the last blog, I'm alot different than I was in high school. I'm having so much fun with it, and it's helping me to get out of my own way.

I can't wait to see where the next moment will take me. It's scary, but I'm taking the steps towards it.

This blog may be all over the place, but I'll just let you sort it all out.

Ps- Mumford & Sons, Avett Brothers, AND Bob Dylan at the Grammys last night?! YYYUUUSSS!!!

New Semester. Last one. Weird.

I am a senior in college. I am graduating in August. I am walking across a stage in a gown, with a square cap. Where the hell did time go?

I used to imagine college as this amazing place, this place where I'd work hard, play hard, make friends, party it up, learn everything is to know about myself and be completely ok with it.

Needless to say, I've been a little disappointed with college. Granted, it had an impossible hurdle, but my overall college experience has been fair. I've learned to have an opinion, I've learned to embrace me, (even though I'm still a lazy perfectionist when it comes right down to it) I've learned to be way more confident in myself, and I've learned that the truth doesn't have to hurt.

I'm way different than I was in high school. I'll admit. I have desires, and I'm pursuing them in my own way. I have obstacles, and while I'm not good about hitting them head on, I'm still finding ways around them. I've actually accepted that I'm a very fortunate person. I don't feel sorry for myself all that often anymore.

I do continue to compare myself to other people, I want more than anything to make people like me, I don't wanna be a bad person in real life or for anyone to think that about me, I'm having a hard time admitting I'm just a human and I can screw up. I hold high standards for myself, and sometimes I fall, and hard, but isn't that ok? I don't want to be a mediocre actor, mediocre friend, mediocre person, I want to be the best me possible. It's funny, when I say this I get terrified. I get terrified of success, of failure, of complacency. Where does that leave me? I don't know. Whereever I am now.

Maybe I should talk to a counselour instead of writing on a blog.

Oh well. If you're reading, thanks. If you're not, I don't blame you. This is very self-indulgent, so thanks for putting up with it.